Literary Life Lessons: Bullying & Self-Esteem
On the surface, ‘bullying’ & ’self-esteem’ may seem like separate issues, but they are closely related and have a strong cause & effect relationship. Studies have shown that many ‘bullies’ have low self-esteem and were once the victims of bullying themselves — it’s a cycle that can’t end unless parents and educators intervene.
Bullying can be identified by a spectrum of abusive behaviors — it can be physical (pushing, choking, hitting); verbal (teasing, threatening); or by exclusion (“Don’t be her friend” or “You can’t play with us”). However harmless these actions may seem, they will leave a lasting negative effect on a child.
Early intervention and communication are key to preventing bullying. Most of the time, a bully cannot stop bullying strictly by his own free will. Adults must be able to recognize abusive behaviors of a bully and address them accordingly.
Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones…
Many parents don’t see anything wrong with children hitting, pushing or playing roughly. They may dismiss such abusive behavior by saying, “they’re just kids” or “they’ll grow out of it.” Some parents even consider rough play a rite of passage that will “toughen up” a child, readying her for the “real world.” If the “real world” you are readying your child for includes choking, pushing and hitting; what kind of life does your child look forward to?
There is no justification for bullying — hitting, pushing, and choking are forms of abuse whether the person inflicting the abuse is 5 years old or 50 years old.
Words Can Also Hurt
Ugly, fat, funny-looking — all words commonly heard from a child’s mouth, but do they know the consequences of using these words? Probably not. In these cases, it’s still a good idea to remind the child that these words aren’t nice, and can make others feel bad about themselves.
If your child is the victim of verbal bullying, there are ways to redirect the negative situation into an empowering one. If your child is over-weight, encourage her to join a dance class, sports team or simply to take evening walks with you. If your child isn’t doing well in school, maybe she needs alternative education like music or art lessons to spark an interest in learning. Get creative when dealing with these tough situations — learning to deal with the effects of bullying will go a long way.
Remember, words are powerful — let’s encourage our children to use them in a positive manner, not to bring someone else down.
How can I…
1. …deal with a relative’s child that is abusive towards my child?
Dealing with a relative whose parenting style may differ from yours can be incredibly challenging. First, remember that everyone is entitled to their own parenting style — nobody is perfect. With that in mind, here are some tips:
- Keep your cool and be matter-of-fact when speaking to your relative.
- Describe the child’s abusive behaviors and explain that you don’t want your child to interact with others in that way.
- Ask that they instruct their child not to abuse your child in any manner.
- Be clear that if the abuse continues, you will no longer allow the children to play together.
Unfortunately, the best thing to do in this situation may be to cut down your time spent with that family. This sends a strong message to your relative and to your child that abuse won’t be tolerated — hopefully it resonates and changes are made. If you are at a function together, encourage your child to play with other children instead.
2. …reassure my child who has been the subject of bullying?
It’s hard to watch your child get hurt by friends, but it’s something she’ll deal with her whole life. Lots of hugs and reassuring talks will fill in the holes left by bullies. Remind her that friends love each other, they don’t hurt each other…so maybe the bully wasn’t a friend at all.
Once again, these are teaching moments. Empower your child to try a new sport, take on a hobby, or join a dance troupe — she might just meet her new best friend while she’s at it!
3. …deal with my own child who bullies others?
If there are children being bullied, there has to be a bully somewhere…shockingly, you might find him in your own home. Being proactive and recognizing that your child bullies others is the first step.
- Always discourage the abusive behavior and set consequences for his actions — be firm and consistent.
- Next, offer words of encouragement when he does something good. Sometimes we are so busy saying “No, no, no” that we forget to praise our children when they do something well.
- Redirect your child’s desire to hurt others. Spend time with him as a volunteer at a local animal shelter or retirement home — it can show him how wonderful it feels to make others happy.
- Provide creative and physical outlets for your child to express themselves.
4. …prevent bullying?
- Make sure your child is interacting with children in her own age group — playtime goes easier when children have equal communication and physical skills.
- Stick close to where the action is in case you need to diffuse a tense situation between the children.
- Keep an open line of communication with your child. Encourage her to reveal any abusive situations she may encounter.
- Educate your child about the types of bullying and how to deal with it. Check out these books to get the discussion started:
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